One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of driving under the influence laws. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, the fellow sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Finally the guy started his engine and began to pull away. The officer stopped the driver, read him his rights, and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0 The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied,"Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Jesus and Moses are playing golf.

Jesus is winning and starts to get cocky.

At the top of a hill on the tenth hole, Jesus pulls out a five iron.

Moses says, "Jesus, are you crazy, you should be using a nine iron, not a five iron".

"Arnold Palmer would use a five iron", Jesus replied.
So Jesus, using the wrong club, hits the ball way long.

"Aw Shucks", says Jesus.

On the next hole, Jesus again uses his five iron, instead of the appropriate seven iron.

Moses again warns him of his upcoming mistake.

"Arnold Plamer would use this club if he were playing", said Jesus.
And like the last time the shot is long lands in the water.

Jesus, chasing after his ball, goes down to the water trap and walks out over the lake looking for his ball.

The men in the group behind see this and runs up to Moses in astonishment. "Who does that man think he is, Jesus Christ!?"

Moses replies, "No, he thinks he is Arnold Palmer"!

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A little boy once asked his mother, "Mommy, am I descended from a monkey?"

The mother replied, "I don't know, son. I never met your father's folks."

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Two guys are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and asks, "So, whe're ya from?"
"I'm from Dublin", the other replies. "Dublin!, me *hic* too...bartender, get us a beer!"

A moment later he asks again, "Where did ye *hic* go ta school?" The man answers,
"St. Mary's, *belch* graduated in '46." "St. Mary's? 46!?"...exclaims the man,
"Tarbender, *hic-belch* get us another beer!"

"So, what part of Dublin did ya *belch* grow up in?" he then asks.
"The three hundred *hic* block of Baily street," the man answers.
"THREE HUNDRED BLOCK OF BAILY STREET...! UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Tarbender, give us another *hic* beer!"

Another patron asked the bartender, "What's all the commotion about?"
The bartender replies, "Aw it's just the Murphy twins getting drunk again..."